Here's the other thing that's depressing me this morning . . . in the past few months I've adjusted to the girls needing me less, at least for the most part. It's been almost 3 years since they began living with Joe more than with me and I know that they've grown used to living without my daily presence. It's taken me longer to stop bemoaning my fate in that regard, but I've gotten better, I swear it.
Occasionally, though--as now--I'm haunted by how they grow further and further away from me. On the one hand, I know that this is part of growing up for them, but on the other, I hate that. I hate that they can go a few days without talking to me and seem unfazed by that. I hate that they choose doing things with their friends over spending time with me. I should rejoice in the freedom that I now have, and many times I do, but then at other times, I hate it and want back the days when they needed and wanted me all the time.
Ali is "graduating" tomorrow from the middle school and will be at the high school next year. Jess is entering her senior year--one year left before college and being gone for good. I'll get a taste of that in a few weeks when she heads for Berkley and we won't see her until August. Having children has been one of the most painfully rewarding or most rewardingly painful experiences of my life. I wonder if I'll ever reach a point where I can stay satisfied with the place that I'm at with them?
1 comment:
"I'm haunted by how they grow further and further away from me." There's been no ending for me and my children are twice the age of yours. Each year carries them further from me and I continue to have moments of grief and yearning. Maybe their distance is what will carry them through our death one day. I love your art and your written word. It seems that you are "everywoman".
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