A different version

Pleasure (life) scares

I haven't worked on any multimedia pieces for a while. I've been screwing around with this one for a few weeks now, working, working, working the background and not really getting anywhere. I had glued images on, taken them off--nothing was really working. Then I saw the outline of the face in the tissue paper and paint. I outlined it in black and then the rest of the piece started to come together. A pleasure and a reminder that I do my best work when I play around with no real plan in mind. I keep THINKING I should have a plan, but that never really works out too well for me. I think I need to spend more time with the gel medium and the acrylics for awhile.

Phone Conversations

Illustration Friday--Small

When I saw today's Illustration Friday theme--"small"--all I could think of was how much I hated being a child, how it felt like I was supposed to be living in "Barbie World" (or was it Brady Bunch World?), when the reality was that I was living in "Dysfunctional Alcoholic Parents Who Are Also Mentally Ill But Let's Pretend Everything's OK" World. So a digital homage to the perils of "small."

Illustration Friday--Free

I was playing around in my paint program with an old water color. I finished and for the hell of it, went to Illustration Friday to see the theme. Weirdly, it's "FREE," which is exactly what you are after you've lost everything.

Thinking

Some nights of art are more prolific than others. I haven't yet figured out why that is. What's the magic button that lets me create things one night and then not another? There's no food I eat, no ritual in which I engage. It's completely fortuitous. I began last night by saying that I thought I had nothing in me. "Don't start with THAT again," said Ali. Maybe that was all I needed. Someone to make me stop saying "I can't."

 

Love "The Waitresses."  

 

One of the local radio stations has begun the 24/7 X-mas carols that Ali loves. Last night she begged me to drive around in the cold so that we could be warm and cozy in the car while we listened to X-mas music. "I'm trying to not get TOO into it," she said, "so that I'm not sick of it by Christmas. But I really love being in the car and listening to carols with you, Mom." Thank God her teenage angst has not COMPLETELY taken over.  

Today Darvin and I had a long discussion about intelligent design, which led into how right-wing conservatives have, in my mind, put a stranglehold on all that has been good and right about who we are as a nation. For months I've felt like we're witnessing the fall of an empire. History tells us of course that it's only a matter of time before world power shifts again, this time, no doubt to India and/or China. Nonetheless it makes me sad to watch the vultures circling overhead, knowing that soon they'll be dropping like flies.

I was re-reading old journals tonight. One was from two years ago, when Darvin first moved here. The other was from last spring. I was struck by how much better things had become in the course of those two years, but also with how I was still haunted by some of the same old insecurities. One thing I found, though, was that I HAD become a little kinder, much less angry. The rage had drained away, replaced by recognition that other people were having their own struggles. Of course, I can't say that I ALWAYS remembered that. But at least I had many more moments of empathy for others than of pity for myself, and that was a good thing to see. 

A peaceful Sunday evening, Darvin and I hanging out in the bedroom and new pastels. It doesn't take much to make me happy. 

A good day. A very good day. 

I haven't had the paints and collage materials out for awhile, so this is a somewhat lame attempt to do something with them. "It's cute," says Darvin. Not what I was shooting for. "What, you want it all dark and bleak, don't you?" Not exactly, but "cute" isn't what I really wanted either.  

I've always been afraid to feel happiness because I worry that it's inviting trouble to do so. The Chinese have a tradition of saying that babies are ugly, stupid, etc. so as to not tempt fate. Sometimes you just have to take the risk though.
 

Not a lot of time for art lately as work has intruded and--more importantly--Darvin and I got married last Saturday. I talked with a friend once about how our art grew from our most profound despair and that it was more difficult to create when we were happy. This is totally true for me as I find that the happier I am with Darvin, the less ability I have to create art. I will, however, take the happiness.